Divorced Parents

Some of the most difficult situations in wording wedding invitations occur when the parents of the bride are divorced. There are simple and straightforward rules to handle these situations but sometimes emotions take control of circumstances and render these rules inadequate. You may find yourself unable to follow the prescribed rules of etiquette to a tee for fear of offending a family member or creating additional, unnecessary tensions. If you find yourself in this situation, you may choose to go a different route and find wording that is both appropriate and innocuous. Etiquette is intended as a guide to good taste and to facilitate good relationships and the comfort of everyone. Therefore, in such an instance it is entirely appropriate for you to stray from the accepted rules.

The proper way to word an invitation when the bride's parents are divorced is to list the names of the bride's parents at the top of the invitation. Her mother's name is on the first line and her father's name is on the line beneath it. The lines are not separated by "and."

If the bride's mother has not remarried, she uses "Mrs." followed by her first name, maiden name, and married name. The old etiquette called for using just her maiden name and her last name, preceded by "Mrs." The change evolved over the years as it was increasingly felt that the old usage was too impersonal.

When the bride's mother is divorced from the bride's father and has remarried, she uses "Mrs." followed by her husband's full name.

My parents are divorced and my father has remarried. Where does his wife's name appear?

Traditionally, you are "given away" by your parents. Therefore, it is generally only the names of your natural parents that properly appear on your wedding invitations, although, of course, there are exceptions. One obvious exception involves a bride who was adopted, in which case the names of the parents who raised her appear. Another exception to the rule can occur when the bride's mother was widowed and remarried when the bride was at a relatively young age. Although her stepfather never adopted her, he did help to raise her and, in effect, acted as her father. In such case, it is appropriate for his name to appear on the invitations.

I'm afraid that if I don't include the name of my father's wife on my invitations, it might hurt her feelings.

Etiquette should never be adhered to at the cost of damaging a relationship. Its purpose is to build relationships, not to harm them. There are ways to handle any situation that will accommodate everybody involved.

Since it is not proper for the name of your father's wife to appear on the invitations, a nice compromise might be to word the invitations properly with just your parents' names on them while including the name of your father's wife on the reception cards. This way, she is listed with your parents as one of the hosts of the reception. By doing this, she is given a place of honor on the reception cards while the invitations are still worded properly.

If you choose to do this, your mother's name would be on the first line for the reception card. The second line would have the names of your father and his wife. The remainder of the card reads, "request the pleasure of your company / at the marriage reception" followed by the date, time, and place.

My parents are divorced and my father is paying for the wedding. How is that indicated?

Wedding invitations are worded the way they are to reflect the tradition of the bride's family graciously giving away the bride while inviting family and friends to join them for this happy occasion. As with the ceremony itself, the center of attention is the bride and groom. (That's why their names are spread out in the center of the invitation.) Therefore, there is no place to indicate who is paying the bills. To do so would be to draw attention away from the bride and groom.

If, after this explanation, you still feel a need to let people know that your father is picking up the tab, you may do so on the reception cards. The reception cards serve as invitations to the reception. By listing your father as host of the reception, you will be indicating to your guests that he is paying for it. This way, you have properly worded wedding invitations and receptions cards that convey to your guests the fact that your father is funding the wedding.

Instead of reading, "Reception/ immediately following the ceremony," your reception cards should read, "Mr. Andrew Jay Forrester / requests the pleasure of your company / at the marriage reception" followed by the date, time, and place.

My mother is divorced and has resumed using her maiden name. What title should she use?

Your mother's name should appear on the invitation without a title. When this is done, all other titles should be omitted so that the invitation retains a uniform appearance.

Why isn't "and" used between the names of divorced parents?

By using "and" between the names of divorced parents, you create an additional line and a competing center of attention. With the extra line your eye is drawn to both the top of the invitation and the center. It should be drawn directly to the center where the names of the bride and groom appear.